It's the little things

I'm doing much better. The medications seem to be helping. I'm not sure if that's good... because it's helping me cope, or bad because I have to have them to feel better.

Now it's the little things that are bothering me. Such as the pain in both big toes that I get randomly throughout the day... when I'm driving, when I'm sitting in bed, when I take off my socks. For the most part, the pains I was feeling before are dulled considerably. I'm back to the flu feeling and I'm thankful for that. I still get extremely tired at the end of the day, but now instead of it starting at 4, it starts at 7. I do still get very tired in the middle of the day occasionally... but now instead of being useless for the rest of the day, I can work through it and recover.

I'm slowly getting back to "normal" I think. I'm not really sure what I consider normal. I think normal is just being able to function for an entire day on my own. It would mean not needing Kasey to come home in time for bed time. It would mean I could get up and accomplish something after the kids are asleep.

But right now, I'm actually thankful for just the little things that are bothering me. A new day, a new pain.

Mentally and Physically exhausted

I'm tired. I've spent the past two days feeling very anxious, shakey and preoccupied. It's tiring. I'm not sure if it's all that we have going on... or if it's the medications I just started. I still have many of my body aches and pains... but I'm so preoccupied with other things that I'm not giving them much attention. Of course, by the end of the day... I can't ignore them. Which is the case now. My legs hurt, my hands and arms hurt, my back and neck hurts.

I get tired just thinking of the things that need to get done. Just the idea of playing a game with Robbie makes me tired. I'm tired and it's only Thursday. I want to be better. I want to be well.

Drugs

This week, I've started taking medications again. I took Welbutrin on Monday, forgot it on Tuesday and took it today, Wednesday. Today I also took an Ultram for pain. I needed it. I used to only take Ultram when I needed it. My doctor is recommending that I take it twice a day. To get control of the Fibromyalgia, I am going to try to follow her instructions (I have a poor track record for taking medications). With that said, I think that right now I can only handle one Ultram... I'll have to ease into two.

I started the day feeling awful. I had trouble waking, I woke up in pain and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Kasey gave me my medication (I can't seem to handle my own medication) and I was able to push myself out of bed and downstairs. As I was leaving to take Robbie to school, the effects of the medications started to hit me.

Mainly I felt shaky... like I had too much caffeine, but I didn't have any. When I was at the school, I was definitely feeling drugged. One of the moms mentioned that she liked Alyssa's hair. I started looking for Alyssa (to see what she's talking about) until I finally realized I was holding her!!! Funny, but annoying. I hate medications and the way they feel. I know that I have to give my body at least a week to get used to them... but I'm not sure I can do it. I hate not feeling like myself. This is often why I don't last long on medications. I feel like the pain is the lesser of the two evils. But I'm hoping I can stick it out... I want to feel better!

I can't believe I'm looking to drugs to help me feel better.

A blip in an otherwise good week

Today was a full day. Robbie went to work with his daddy... then they both went to school. Alyssa and I went to pick Nicolas up from school. We took him home and spent part of the day with him while he waited for his parents to come home.

Then we met Robbie and Kasey at the hair salon where Robbie was getting his haircut. This is the point where my day came to a screeching halt. While sitting in the car, getting ready to leave with both kids... I became faint and nauseous. It's really frustrating how quickly it happens. So we changed out plans.

Kasey ended up driving us to his work where he shut everything down for the day to take care of his family. We went back to the hair salon to get his car... but I was still in no condition to drive. So we gave into Robbie's constant requests to eat at Olive Garden.

I felt much better after eating, so Kasey took the kids home... and I went on my search for Alyssa's boots for the snow this weekend. I also went to a preschool parent night on "Raising a Successful Child". I got home around 9:15 to a very tired daddy, a cranky daughter and a son who was refusing to go to sleep.

Other than the hour or two in the middle of the day, it was a decent day considering everything I had to do. I'm just hoping that pushing myself today doesn't ruin my tomorrow. I have to take Robbie to get his pictures taken... and unfortunately that means lots of driving. But I should have known I'd have a little trouble today since whenever I talked on the phone, by hand would shake. It was the weirdest thing. It didn't shake when I did anything else... just talk on the phone. Apparently my body didn't like the way I was holding the phone or the angle of my arm. Who knows, I should stop trying to make sense of it.

I'm just hoping for a good day tomorrow.

Weak at the knees

Grocery shopping today made me "weak at the knees". Okay, so that isn't a proper use of the expression... but it literally describes how I felt when I was standing in line at the grocery store. My legs got very weak and wobbly and I felt like I was going to fold at the knees.

I managed to make it to the car, load the car, drive home, unload the car, get the perishable groceries into the refrigerator, and get half way up the stairs before they truly gave out. Kasey helped me the rest of the way.

But, despite that, I've had another decent day. We were homebound again today except for the trip to the gym. I was able to complete more laundry and Robbie and I vaccuumed the kitchen and dining room floor together (that was actually fun). I got to watch Robbie play in the snow while his sister napped (for 2 hours!) and we all had lots of fun wrestling and tickling.

These days I've become more and more thankful that I'm able to spend this time with my kids. I'm so in love with my kids... perhaps they are the ones that make me "weak in the knees" rather than my illness.

A New Plan

Well, tonight I finally had my doctor appointment... and as usual, it was uneventful. I wasn't having one of my worse days like I was two days ago... I wasn't having my extreme fatigue that I have every evening... and quite frankly, I felt a bit like I was wasting her time. Of course, a little poking and proding caused a few of my random pains to emerge.

So, the current plan is for me to continue B12 injections. Next time we are back in the office (probably Alyssa's 12 mo), we will be doing a bunch of blood tests again (the lab closed before we were able to finish the appointment). She's hoping to calm my restless legs at night - good luck - and is hoping it's due to low iron.

She has put me back on Wellbutrin to help me sleep (if it improves my mood, that would be great as well) and she prescribed Ultram again for my random pains... on those bad days when Ibprophen does't work. I am supposed to continue my exercising, perhaps taking it a bit easier as well.

I'm not sure how I feel about more medications. I'm a bit ambivelent right now, which for me, is unusual. Perhaps I'm too tired to care... or I've resolved myself to having some type, any type, of help in controling these symptoms.

Several Things Made Today Another Good Day

While I didn't feel my best and I did have to lay in my bed by mid-afternoon, I had a pretty good day. I think the highlight was finding out that Kasey's mom would be coming for a week... in just two weeks! It's like an early birthday present. She'll be here on the 27th I think and she leaves the day before my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! Help is on it's way :)

The other highlight of the day today was watching our neighbors try to navigate our icy street. We live on a hill... luckily we are near the top of it. Those that live lower had a hard time leaving and coming home. It was entertaining and Kasey got a chance to play the good neighbor and help out.

I know neither of those two things have anything to do with me... but one gives me hope and the other takes my mind off how I'm feeling. I got two more load of laundry done. Again, another decent day.

Today was a good day!

I woke up today unsure and a little unsteady... but as I got going, I started to feel much better. While our plans for the day were cancelled, I was still able to get a lot done. I finished a baby shower gift and I did several loads of laundry. Doesn't seem like much, but compared to what I'd done the rest of the week. It's a lot!

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I hope this weekend I can do something. Nothing exciting... I'm just hoping to disinfect this house. Alyssa has smeared her sickness all over this place. I feel icky... I'm sure the house does too. Besides, it cold... snowy and icy outside. We won't be venturing very far. A few more flurries are expected tomorrow and below freezing temperatures for several more days.

Oh, so I think what helped me today is the bath in the morning and the shower at night. That's part of the first step in The Fibromyalgia Handbook; A Seven Step Program to Halt and Even Reverse Fibromyalgia. While much of the other steps are obvious... the wet heat on the painful spots twice a day is something I hadn't tried before. Of course, with wide spread pain, it's either a shower or a bath... and that seems like a lot of water to me. So, I haven't done it today. I think being from California, I have water conservation ingrained.

Bringing me to tears

Last night, around 4:00, I crashed. I started feeling the worst I have felt in a very long time. Possibly the worst I have ever felt. I hurt everywhere including my eyelids! I was home for approximately 2.5 to 3 hours alone with the kids while I was like this. Luckily Robbie fell asleep for a nap around 5:00 and Alyssa followed suit around 5:30. The problems arouse when they woke up.

Robbie woke up so I made him dinner and poured him juice just in time for Alyssa to wake up. Robbie is fine eating on his own, so I went up stairs to rescue Alyssa and rock Alyssa back to sleep. All was going well until he started asking for more juice (we have monitors throughout the house so he can talk to me from downstairs and I can hear him clear as day upstairs. The problem is he can't hear me upstairs unless I have the receiver with me... and I didn't plan that far ahead). When I sat down with Alyssa, I sealed my fate. I couldn't get up from the chair while I was holding her.

To make a long story short, Robbie finally came up to talk to me. He was visibly upset.

Robbie: "Please mom, please come downstairs to help me."

Me: "I can't Robbie. I can't get up from this chair. Mom is feeling sick again."

Robbie: (putting on his brave face... it's the face that says"I'm trying really hard to be strong") - he's at the doorway and he holds his hand out to me "But I will help you walk"

At the word "walk", he loses his struggle to be strong and bursts into tears and begins chanting "I want to help you, I want to help you" between tears.

It made me cry. He doesn't understand what's happening with me. How can he, I don't even understand it. To him, I look perfectly fine. So he and I cuddled on the rocking chair crying while Alyssa slept soundly in my lap.

Robbie is much different than Alyssa. I don't think this illness will affect her in the same way. Quite frankly, I don't think she's going to care much what I can and can't do... she'll just do things without me. And she's going to need to be that way because chances are fairly high that she will be affected by this illness as well at some point.

"I will take care of you and feel you better" is what he told me one night when I was sick and he needed to go to sleep. He wanted me to lay in his bed with him while he slept. His bed is always my demise. That was several years ago... I think he was about 2.5.

Robbie feels things deeply. His aching heart can bring me to tears in seconds.

I need a new focus

Today, I've spent most of the day wishing I had the flu. Seems a little insane, but at least then I'd be able to take something to ease the aches and I'd know that eventually it will go away.

I'm having one of my worst pain days. Typing is quite painful, but I need somewhere to vent...

I need a new focus. Something to get my mind off my increasing symptoms. I have many things on my list of things to do, but none that won't cause more pain. I'm just not sure what to do with myself.

I can't hold a book longer than 2 minutes... that makes reading hard. I can't sit comfortably in a chair for longer than 5 minutes... that makes sewing hard. I can't bend over... that makes unloading and folding laundry hard to do. I can't even get past the safety gates because my hand won't grip them! Needless to say, I'm very thankful for Robbie right now. He's a great little helper.

I think I might try to take out my paints again. I can't really hold a brush, but luckily there aren't really any rules in art... so I could, if worse comes to worse, use my hands. I just need something to get my mind off this pain!

Back to sweats!

Today there is snow on the ground. Not a lot, but the high today (36 degrees) was supposedly at 7:00 this morning. So, I need to prepare for cold. I have Robbie in his snowpants and a long sleeve thermal shirt. I figure they are going to let them play outside today. The only time they stay inside seems to be when it's wet and raining.

I got dressed in Jean since that's the warmest thing I could think of for snow. That was when I woke up this morning. I have been up for almost an hour... and I've already changed into sweats. I was having a lot of back and stomach pain and my legs were feeling wobbly. Guess what, changing pants helped eleviate those problems. That's sad. I have to wear a sack to be comfortable!

So, I guess I'll be wearing sweats today. Nice cotton sweats that will absorb and hold all that nice wet snow. It should be a great day! At least my hot flashes will keep me warm!

I Give

So, I still have one more week until my doctor appointment. Much to my dismay, I was off by a week. After having a terrible weekend (due to my health, not my family), I have decided to give in once again and to try medications. The reason for my change of heart (we'll see how long it lasts) is that I feel like I'm getting a bit of the CFS symptoms again. I can't handle CFS on top of FMS. So, if medications work... then I'll take them.

So, here is my list of recent symptoms that I have written down to share with the doctor;

• Painful feet (walking on them is painful, back to wearing slip on shoes and slippers)
• Shooting pain in my legs (this is most often at night)
• Pain in my fingers, back of my hands and up my arms (on going throughout the day)
• Headaches (less frequent than other symptoms, but more often than normal)
• Pain in the back of the head (I think it's a trigger point, but it hurts without anything touching it)
• Back Pain
• Trouble Sleeping & Waking (I'm unable to fall asleep at night and when I'm not waking up until 8 or 9:00)
• Trouble gripping things
• Weakness in legs (legs get wobbly when really tired)
• Extreme Fatigue (when waking in the morning, around noon, and again in the early evening)
• Muscle Jerks
• Restless Legs at night

That's what I have so far... I made the list while stuck in bed last night. I crashed yesterday somewhere between 4 & 5:00. I'm not exactly sure of the time because I don't remember coming up to my bed... and when I woke up, I couldn't move. My body competely gave out on me. It was frustrating and amusing at the same time. Mostly frustrating... but I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about this whole thing.

I've done better today as I'm actually able to type and I didn't spontaneously fall asleep.

It's a small break in a sea of pain

I'm taking a little break from a day of forced cleaning. I need to clean the house for visitors on Tuesday. Ordinarilly, I'd procrastinate until at least Sunday night or Monday... but with the way I've been feeling I figure I better start now.

I think I really only need to do a surface cleaning... for the most part I'm in decent shape. The problem is, with pain throught my back and in my hands - I get tired very quickly. Add a 10 month old running around me and I'm not making much progress.

My new symptom of the day is painful feet. That's okay because I'm not going out today, so I don't have to put shoes on. But, I can't walk around the floor without some type of cushion... and when I put slippers or socks on my feet, I get hot flashes. Lovely!

It's a fun and challenging day. But, believe it or not, I am feeling better than I have been the last few days. This keeps me motivated. Can't wait to see what tomorrow might bring!

Frustration

I'm so glad that I started a new blog for my Fibromyalgia. I'm trying to keep a record of my symptoms and such, but it's a real downer!

Anyhow, my latest, most annoying and painful symptom. I think this is because the lack of restful sleep that Kasey and I have been getting lately. My hands, fingers and arms have been killing me! Today, it felt (feels) like I have bruised several of my knuckles. I can't remember doing anything to them (doesn't mean nothing happened) and they aren't consecutive. For example, my pointer finger and my pinky finger on my right hand are affected and my thumb and middle finger on my left hand are also feeling a bit bruised. What gives?

Then there is the extreme pain I feel on the back of my hand when I'm doing things like writing, typing and gripping the steering wheel. I've been throwing things more often (more accurately, spontaneously dropping things - but it seems like a throw when my arm is moving). Kasey had to cut my dinner up for me tonight for fear that I would fling a knife or fork at either him or Alyssa.

So, I just want to say it's frustrating. There's actually a lot more I could say, but it hurts. It's a real bummer since my time at night is the time I spend on the computer, reading blogs and checking chat boards for my various support groups. Seems ironic, when I could use a bit of support... it hurts to much to type about it. Damn FMS!

Forgotten Symptoms

Okay, they weren't forgotten... but I haven't had them in a while. Lately, my body seems to be revisiting the past. I've been experiencing a lot of episodes where I "throw" items (my hands just spontaneously let go), headaches (they had been gone for over a year) and weakness in my hands. All these symptoms have been gone for at least 6 months. Even when I peaked right before I quit my job, I didn't have these symptoms. These three symptoms are ones I had when I was learning to live with Fibromyalgia before Robbie. These were supposed to be gone!

This again, makes me feel like I'm getting worse. I wake up even more stiff and achey each morning.

I'm still eating right and exercising. What gives? I'll be going to the doctor next week. Perhaps there's something else wrong as well. I have been reading The Fibromyalgia Handbook and it talks about Fibromyalgia with other illnesses. Or perhaps I'm just hypersensitive to this illness right now. I'm determined to get this under control and maybe it's causing me to dwell on my symptoms too much.

That's a real possibility. After all, my normal coping style is denial. I have become accustomed to a certain amount of pain - I now call that normal. I just need to figure out how to convince myself what I'm feeling now is "normal". Mind over matter, right?

High Hopes for the New Year

This year, when referring to my Fibromyalia, is ending on a poor note. I feel as if I'm getting worse despite my best efforts. I have tried (and continue to try) all my normal remedies that have worked in the past to control or alleviate my symptoms. But, they don't seem to be helping this time around.

It makes sense. After Robbie was born, I didn't go back on the medications because the ones that helped me before were no longer effective. I think it's the changes my body goes through while I'm pregnant. So, coming out of the pregnancy with Alyssa, it makes sense that my body made more changes. Why do the changes have to be worse though? Why can't they change for the better?

So, this year, I'm faced with finding new remedies. I have a few ideas... some of them I'm not crazy about. Obviously, I've already mentioned the organic foods. I'm a lot of talk there, with no real action. Changing to organic food is a much bigger deal than I had anticipated. So, I'm giving myself time to make this change (or at least try it out).

Also, I could try acupuncture. I've thought about this option before... but quite frankly, I don't like needles that remain in me. I don't mind the B12 injections that Kasey has to give me... or even blood draws. Because the needle is inside of me for a short period of time... and there is only one! I'm thinking maybe I can do this on the buddy system. I think Cindy would benefit from accupuncture as well, maybe we could do it together.

I also haven't given up on the exercise helping me. I think water therapy will be my next move. I'm not crazy about getting into a bathing suit more than once a month... so again, this will be a difficult one for me.

All three of these things are not comfortable changes. And quite frankly, just talking about them makes me want to procrastinate. But I am committed to feeling better. I am finally enjoying my family and I want to feel good and do more things together... but I need the energy.

So, I'm hoping that 2007 is my year to gain control! Wish me luck!

A difficult Beginning

I'm tired. I just woke up. Kasey, once again, has let me sleep in. He's such a great husband. I woke up tired (I'm still trying to open my eyes all the way and it's already been a half hour of waking up), my body is achey (nothing new) and I itch all over (there doesn't seem to be anything that would be causing me to itch).

Our time with Kasey home is quickly coming to an end. Last night we had our monthly date night. I think it was our best one yet. I love his company. I think it's easy when we get caught up in our everyday lives to overlook what we love about each other and to take it all for granted. I'm glad we are taking this time, however infrequent it is, to reconnect. Maybe it will help the whole recovery.

Kasey has also visited the Fibromyalgia support website on his own. It's a site for families, not just sufferers, but I would never have asked him to do that as he has enough to do - and when he has extra time, he deserves to do what he wants. But it makes me feel good that he took it upon himself to check it out. Perhaps he needs just as much support as I do. Afterall, it's the whole family that has to live with his affliction.

So, a new day. Now that I've blogged a bit, I hope that I can muster up enough energy to get myself moving. Wish me luck!

Resolutions

I don't like to make New Year Resolutions. I figure if something's worth changing, why wait for a new year? Nonetheless, last year I made a resolution - or a commitment - to help Robbie make more friends. I think I did well. I joined a local chat board, we met a few through CL (although I haven't heard from them in several months), and we joined a Co-op preschool. All of these things are far out of my comfort zone.

So, I've decided on a new challenge, this one a bit more difficult... but just as important. When I quit working, I made a commitment to myself to do all that I could to control my Fibromyalgia. These past few years it has taken over again. I felt like we had it under control a few years ago... I was working 30 hours a week while still caring for Robbie full time. Now, I had to quite because I couldn't work 10 hours a week and I have two children to care for.

My plan (if you can call it such) was this;

• Quit working to minimize my stress
• Begin an exercise schedule
• Maintain a healthy diet

In the two or three months that I haven't been working, I have managed to do all these things. I have been cooking more and eating out less - this has resulted in a healthier diet. I quite working and my stress level is greatly reduced - I feel so much happier. And we joined the health club in which I go an average of two three times I week - I'm still hoping to increase that.

Unfortately, I'm not achieving the results I'd like. I'm still having episodes... and today, Christmas Day, was no exception. I woke up this morning feeling as if I could fall right back asleep (even though I was walking around). While opening presents, I had to resist the urge to lay my head down on the floor and take a nap. I had severe pain in my lower back and had to wear a heating pad all day. I finally had to retire to my bed around 5:30 because I could no longer sit up. Of course, now it's 11:00 and I don't feel a bit tired.

So, I have added a few more steps to my plan;

• Once again, begin reading about Fibromyalgia. It's been several years since I've read anything on the latest research
• Join a support group. This is going to be the hard one for me... but I've heard it can help.
• Go organic. I've mentioned this in this blog before, and it's not an easy conversion, but again, I've heard good things about going organic.
• And finally, document. I have never really kept a record of things I'm doing and with a Fibromyalgia memory, that's probably a bad thing. I'm hoping by recording my trials and tribulations, It will help me discover and remember the things that have worked for me in the past for the various symptoms.

I received a book today from my aunt, The Fibromyalgia Handbook - a 7 Step Program to Halt and Even Reverse Fibromyalgia. I normally disregard anything that says it will reverse Fibromyalgia... because I just don't believe that's possible. I believe you can treat the symptoms and live a pain-free life while still treating symptoms. But I believe that once you stop doing those things, that the Fibromyalgia will return... like a hibernating bear.

But, because I decided a few weeks ago that I need to make these additional efforts, I have already begun reading the book. And it's looking promising. I'm not sure what it will do for me, but I do like that I am learning more than I did before. I guess that's why I stopped researching... I wasn't learning anything new.

So, my newest resolution is now in full swing. I'm hoping I'm as successful with this one as I was with my previous.

Tired

I'm tired. I think that is contributing to my lack of Christmas Spirit. It just doesn't feel like Christmas. I think if we didn't have kids, I'd skip it all together this year. I'm having trouble getting into the season (and Christmas is just a few days away!). We did do Christmas cookies with Cindy and Nicolas, I have done our normal donations to various charities and I have done all our shopping. I'm going through the motions, just not feeling it. I don't even have an idea of what we are doing for Christmas dinner! My parents are going grocery shopping for the food in the morning. They are pretty much planning it - I'll make whatever they get.

Did I mention I'm tired. I'm not, lay down and fall asleep tired, I'm mentally tired. I get this way occasionally... and I know that it has a lot to do with the Fibromyalgia. I mean, I have lots of great things happening around me - and I'm thankful. But this year, I don't get the normal satisfaction from helping others. I don't feel the same when I buy a gift for someone. I'm having trouble finding those perfect gifts that I pride myself in. I'm just tired!

I hesitate to call it a depression because 1 - I don't want to be depressed for Christmas (that's just depressing) and 2 - I honestly don't think that's what it is.

I'm just tired. Maybe a good night sleep (of waking up for two or three bottle feedings) and I'll be refreshed. I'm just tired.

Ouch!

I had a very full day. Robbie had an appointment in Bellevue this morning at 10:00. Then we came home and had lunch, I did a little laundry, he played Thomas online and Alyssa... well, she just caused trouble. "Alyssa's looking for trouble again" her brother always says. At 3:45, he had a playdate with his school friends at Jump Planet. That was so much fun! I wish Alyssa was a little older so that I could have joined in on all the fun, but I had to sit on the side lines while all those single child moms whooped it up.

After that, a few of his friends went to McDonald's for dinner. While I still don't promote dinners at McDonald's, I did allow Robbie to go along and have a snack of apple slices. We left there and went straight to the gym... I finally got the kids checked in at Kids Club around 6:15 for my one hour break.

Then it started. It was really weird. I went into the locker room to put on the proper shoes and to stow my bag. It was the changing of the shoes that did it. I put my tennis shoes on and I about lost it they hurt so bad! I could tell when I took my slip-ons off, that I was going to have problems. I was, not so subtly, reminded of why I wear slip-on shoes year-round.

Anyhow, I decided I was going to endure the pain since I went through the trouble of getting the kids into the daycare center (an ordeal in itself today). I did my 35 minutes on the bicycle and could hardly get off it. My butt was killing me, my legs were refusing to move and my feet were very cross with me.

I'm now at home with the menace and Kasey is swimming at the gym with Robbie. I'm managing, but ouch! I just have to get dinner made, then I'm retreating to my bed! What a day!