Bringing me to tears

Last night, around 4:00, I crashed. I started feeling the worst I have felt in a very long time. Possibly the worst I have ever felt. I hurt everywhere including my eyelids! I was home for approximately 2.5 to 3 hours alone with the kids while I was like this. Luckily Robbie fell asleep for a nap around 5:00 and Alyssa followed suit around 5:30. The problems arouse when they woke up.

Robbie woke up so I made him dinner and poured him juice just in time for Alyssa to wake up. Robbie is fine eating on his own, so I went up stairs to rescue Alyssa and rock Alyssa back to sleep. All was going well until he started asking for more juice (we have monitors throughout the house so he can talk to me from downstairs and I can hear him clear as day upstairs. The problem is he can't hear me upstairs unless I have the receiver with me... and I didn't plan that far ahead). When I sat down with Alyssa, I sealed my fate. I couldn't get up from the chair while I was holding her.

To make a long story short, Robbie finally came up to talk to me. He was visibly upset.

Robbie: "Please mom, please come downstairs to help me."

Me: "I can't Robbie. I can't get up from this chair. Mom is feeling sick again."

Robbie: (putting on his brave face... it's the face that says"I'm trying really hard to be strong") - he's at the doorway and he holds his hand out to me "But I will help you walk"

At the word "walk", he loses his struggle to be strong and bursts into tears and begins chanting "I want to help you, I want to help you" between tears.

It made me cry. He doesn't understand what's happening with me. How can he, I don't even understand it. To him, I look perfectly fine. So he and I cuddled on the rocking chair crying while Alyssa slept soundly in my lap.

Robbie is much different than Alyssa. I don't think this illness will affect her in the same way. Quite frankly, I don't think she's going to care much what I can and can't do... she'll just do things without me. And she's going to need to be that way because chances are fairly high that she will be affected by this illness as well at some point.

"I will take care of you and feel you better" is what he told me one night when I was sick and he needed to go to sleep. He wanted me to lay in his bed with him while he slept. His bed is always my demise. That was several years ago... I think he was about 2.5.

Robbie feels things deeply. His aching heart can bring me to tears in seconds.