ouwww!

Lissie has been saying ouch everytime we have changed her diaper this past week. She says "ouwww" and then points to her little lower belly area. I've poked her, proded her and moved her legs around to no worse reaction. I think this is a weird phase.

On the otherhand, I feel like saying the same thing today. Ouwwww! About half an hour ago, my lower back was pulling. It hurt with a throbbing pain. Now, it's still there, but it's been masked a bit by the crushing pain I now have on the top of my left foot. Considering have done nothing to either area, it seems random... until you remember it's me. Perfectly normal.

I am finding these latest pains a little more frequent and a bit more intense today over past days... which in turn, is making me very cranky. Luckily I don't have to worry about too much today, just posting a few items on Etsy and taking Robbie to soccer practice in the early evening. I'm hoping it doesn't rain. Although I am interested to know what they will do about the practice in the event it does rain. Afterall, they have these scheduled every Tuesday through October... and we do live in Washington. I'm sure Lyssie is hoping for some good rain to mix with the dirt so she can have a productive play at the playground.

Just as long as I don't have to chase her, I'll be fine with rain.

A bit of a funk

It's been a long time since I've posted. Partly because I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to complain (this is a good thing) and partly because I'm tired of complaining about how terrible I feel.

But today I woke up in a funk. I don't feel any better or worse than I normally feel, but I have a crazy grey cloud looming over me and it's making it difficult to accomplish anything. I feel a lack of creativity, a lack of imagination in entertaining the kids... I just feel a lack.

I'm hoping I can shake this or start fresh tomorrow. I hate these dark clouds!

I'm moving

On a friend's recommendation, I'm moving this blog. The new address is http://myfibrofog.wordpress.com/. I haven't decided whether I will be moving my main blog yet... I figure I'll try it with this one first since this one is a lot smaller and doesn't have the pictures the other one does.

Please visit me on the other site for updated blogs.

I am tired

I wonder if my exaustion goes in cycles. I am so physically tired that I feel like my body is going to go limp any minute, and it just might. It's done it before. This morning was supposed to be easier on me. Kasey took Robbie to work with him since they will be going to school together today. So, I just have Alyssa. Alyssa by herself, in theory, should be easier. But she isn't. She's demanding and when you are as tired as I am, it makes for a very cranky girl. I am trying. I took her outside and let her play in the yard for a bit... but the sun started giving me a headache and draining what little energy I had.

So, we went inside and tryed to play on the floor. However, when Alyssa is inside, she wants to be at the table. She can now climb up to her chair and sit in it all by her big self. This gets annoying as I can't sit at the table comfortably for any length of time... and she won't allow me to leave her alone at the table.

I feel like I haven't slept in days... but I'm fairly certain that I'm asleep for more hours than my husband. What am I doing that I'm not getting the restorative sleep? I don't want to have to take Ambien. But I'm tired. I wish there was another way.

I had another episode

Today I had another one of my episodes. They consist of me first feeling a little sick to my stomach. That passes and I start to feel a little dizzy or disoriented. After a few minutes of that, my body starts to feel weak and I have to sit down. I often get to the point where I have to make a concentrated effort to speak. And the final phase is I start feel as if I will pass out and I lose strength in my body and have trouble holding myself up.

This happened to me today while I was at Costco. I had two things going for me. One - the kids weren't with me (Robbie was at preschool and today was Alyssa's day with the nanny) and Kasey was with me. He was able to get me to the car where I was able to recover.

It's a bit scary. I get worried because sometimes, I can't recover. I get worried that I will have an episode like this when it's just me and the kids. Robbie knows what to do. He will just call his dad. But what if I am drifting in and out so much that I can't keep track of the kids? I worry that I will pass out in public somewhere and while, I'm fairly certain Robbie will stay next to me (we've discussed it many times), Alyssa will take the opportunity to leave. I worry that Robbie will be torn between leaving my side and chasing his sister.

This is why I am no longer working. It's episodes like these that we are trying everything we can to avoid. I guess I over did it a little this weekend. I just hope that I have paid the price and the worst is behind me.

All things considered

Considering the long weekend we had, I think I'm doing fairly well. My back has really been hurting these last few days. I'm almost positive that it's me over extending myself.

We started the weekend with a garage sale. While Kasey was doing the garage sale, I took Robbie to his Little All Star class where parent participation is required. Then we went back home to help with the garage sale. That drained me and I ended up in bed in the evening.

Sunday was even worse. We started the day by going to the Swap Meet that is down the street from us (we are clearing things out as best we can). Then we went from there to Robbie's teacher's retirement party.

And then today, I spent 5 hours at the zoo with both kids and Robbie's preschool class. I'm exhausted! But I'm also proud of myself for holding it together. All things considered, I'm doing well!

Is it hot in here?

I find myself asking that several times a day. I have been having the worst hot flashes for the past three weeks or so. I have about four or five a day and they last about 15 minutes to a half hour.

In addition, these past three days, I've been very nauseous throughout the day. Sometimes the entire day... it stays with me, other days it's just half the day. With the combination of the hot flashes and the nausea... I'm worn. It's taking it's toll on me. I think the kids are feeding off my misery. They were a bear today... starting around 5:00. That's about when I begin my gradual decent to immobility.

I hope these symptoms go away as the weather heats up. I can't go through summer with constant heat flashes even with air conditioning. My kids would end up Popsicles!

I'm in a funk

I'm not sure why it happens. It actually seems like it's been a while since I felt like this. But I felt it on Thursday afternoon when I realized that the truck needed to go in for repair. I'm not sure how else to describe it, other than a funk. It isn't depression. I don't feel depressed.

The car goes into the shop tomorrow (it's actually there now, we dropped it off tonight). Maybe a big reason for the funk is it just adds to our expenses... we are shopping for a home, I need to fly back to San Jose with the kids next month, our regular bills, and now the car!

I'm feeling like I should look into employment again. But I don't want to. I have enjoyed not worrying about fulfilling commitments to anyone other than my family. I'm not sure I have the energy.

I'm just in a funk.

Sleep

I can't seem to sleep! I think Alyssa is having the same problem. Mine is because of a sore throat, too many thoughts, wide spread pains and congestion. Oh... and the occasional headache.

I'm having decent days though even though I'm not getting much sleep. This means I'm like a ticking time bomb. Who knows when my body is going to say enough is enough.

Luckily my parents come into town tomorrow so I should be able to take an Ambien tomorrow night. That way if Kasey needs a back-up with Alyssa (our little night owl), there are two other victims.

Wobbly

I've had a strange day. I've been "sick" along with Alyssa. Just like her, I'm not sure what's going on. I feel fine (just my normal pains) aside from a sore throat.

But when I stand for an extended period of time (5 minutes), my legs get wobbly and if I don't sit down, I start to fade (I'm not sure how else to explain it as it's like passing out, but I'm conscious).

So, I thought I'd just document this latest "symptom". I hope that it passes quickly as Kasey had to stay home from work today.

It Really Hurts

My back is really bad. I'm having trouble sitting in bed. It seems like every night I am having to use the heating bad. Throughout the day I am getting pains in all parts of my back. They are no longer shooting pains. They are constant ~ now it's just a matter of how intense they are.

I'm worried. I'm worried that there is something I'm doing that's making it worse. But I don't know what it is. I've pretty much cut my workout to nothing. I do about 20 minutes a week on the stationary bike... and I pay the next day. The weights were making it worse, I wasn't able to walk on the treadmill and I'm still not ready to get into a swimsuit on a regular basis.

I think the Ultram in the morning is helping me get through the majority of the day. I want to be able to enjoy the nice days we are having... but it's hard when you are uncomfortable sitting and uncomfortable standing. It just really hurts.

Back on track

I haven't been doing very well at recording my symptoms. Unfortunately, it isn't that I have been symptom free... but I have been lucky enough to have mild enough symptoms that the kids have been able to distract me. As usual, mornings and nights have been hardest for me. The good news is that more often I am able to last longer at night.

Up until this morning, I've been doing decently in the morning. But this morning, I had a very hard time. Wide spread pain and I wasn't able to open my eyes. I think it might have been from my workout the day before. My back was pulling, but I still did my 20 minutes of cardio on the stationary bike. They keep telling me that exercise is the answer, but whenever I exercise, I feel like I get worse. What gives?

My back is giving me more problems. Tonight is started spasming. It's very uncomfortable and often painful when you mix it with the pulling that I've been ignoring all day. I've been using the heating pad more often lately.

I have also been getting more headaches. Today, during my alone time (Robbie was at school and Alyssa was with the nanny), I went shopping. I had a hard time because I kept seeing white spots. I didn't have a headache, but it was bothersome. It took about an hour for the symptom to go away.

With all that said, I do feel like I'm getting back on track slowly. The medications are working (when I remember them) and we seem to have found a schedule that is working for us. Kasey is able to get more full days in at work and I'm able to remain awake during the early evening hours. What more can I ask for?

Forgetfulness

Why do they put Fibromyalgia patients in charge of their own medication? Forgetfulness is one of our symptoms! I have made a point the past two days to eat a breakfast after I wake up so that I can take my medication... then I forget to take it. I can be thinking it one minute, go upstairs to get it... then never do it. Frustrating! What's worse is that I don't realize that I've forgotten until around 3:30 or 4:00 when I can't seem to stay awake. I start losing energy and I think, "why am I so tired?... oh ya, I never took my medication."

I just can't seem to remember. I think this week I took them two times of the five times I was supposed to remember on my own. Thankfully on the weekend there are two of us... so we have a better chance of remembering.

We have a busy day tomorrow... so I really need to remember. Robbie has a birthday party and jump planet (daddy will be taking him) and we will be celebrating St. Patty's day with a very green dinner with friends. Yep, we aren't Irish, so I figure... why eat traditional Irish food? It's much more fun for me (and of course the kids) to make a meal entirely green. Yum!

Ooops... I just remembered I was supposed to go to the grocery store tonight. I don't think there's any chance I'll be getting out of bed now, so let's hope I remember in the morning.

It's a foggy day

Today is a difficult day. I've had a lot of trouble concentrating, focusing and remembering. It's very frustrating, so in addition to all that... I'm cranky as well. Perhaps it's because I forgot my medication yesterday so I didn't have a sound sleep last night? Who knows, there I go again trying to make sense out of all of it.

To top it all off, I worked at Robbie's school. I was working for another parent who is in Puerto Vallarta. I'd say I'm envious, but I'm really not. I'm guessing it's warm there... and so I'm sure I'd be unhappy. Anyhow, on the way to school... for a good minute or so, I completely forgot where I was going. I tried to focus and remember, but ultimately it took me just letting it go for it to come back to me.

I was also in the Teddy Bear Room. This room has many things happening (not the best place for me during a fog). We had the kids making flowers with coffee filters and colored water, kids playing kitchen with foam and kids playing flower shop in the dress-up corner. So I had kids squirting colored water and asking for more filters on one side; in the middle of the room I had a few kids asking if I wanted a foam cupcake, and in the dress-up corner I had kids insisting I needed to buy flowers from their flower shop. I am normally very good at multi-tasking... but this time I think I failed miserably. Of course, it was all fine because I was working with kids and they don't notice things such as disorganization... but for me, it was painful.

Then there was my whole ordeal trying to get cash to pay the nanny. Quite frankly, I'm too annoyed with the whole thing to discuss it. Just suffice it to say that I really hate employees that thing that the customers know all their policies. I hate when I'm talked down to because it's assumed I know something. I wish I could ban Albertsons... but it's so convenient and that's important these days.

I'm just hoping I can survive the next few hours on my own.

Now I remember!

Tonight Kasey and I went out to a movie. It's nice to have someone we trust to watch the kids. I think Cyndi has worked for us for almost six months now... and I hope she never leaves.

Anyhow, we went to see Wild Hogs. I thought it was a very funny movie... but I don't know that it was necessary to see it in the theater. I now remember why I don't go see movies in the theater.

When I got up... I was so stiff, it was painful to move. Also, after I had walked for a few minutes I started to get very nauseous. It's about and hour and a half later and I still feel sick. I'm fairly certain this is the result from sitting in one position for too long.

I needed a good laugh... and a night out alone with Kasey. However, I think I'm going to pay for it. I'm hoping sleep will help. I hate it when the weekend finally comes around and I can't move.

It's sometimes hard to tell

I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia for about 8 years now. It's a long time to have wide spead pain. I really can't remember a day without some type of pain. Lately I have come to realize that the days I think that are my good days... may not be so great.

I have days were I am not preoccupied by my symptoms. I would classify these days as good days. But lately, I've realized even on those days... I do have symptoms, I just don't see them as such. For example... today. This morning start like any other, but I was able to get up with not to much effort and I was able to move about my day without a lot of pain distraction. I thought... "I'm having a good day" until I began evaluating myself.

I realized I had been very short with Robbie. He hasn't been listening (nothing new hear) and I had sent him to his room several times. This translate into, I've had no patience. My normal behavior would have been to sit down with him and to talk about why I was getting upset with him. This conversation only happened once and it was when I finally realized that I was being short with him.

So, once I realized I hadn't been very patient, I tried to figure out why. Because this is what I do for some reason. Cause and effect right? You do something or feel something and there must be a reason behind it. Well, the reason behind my impatience was in fact pain that I had blocked out. I wish it was that simple to figure out the cause of the pain.

I have tried since this revelation to be more patient... but even being aware of it, has made it difficult. I'm not feeling well and that is taxing on my body. I think I'm tired of it... which has a huge affect on my patience level.

But now I know, and knowing is half the battle... isn't that what they say? I'm sure Robbie wouldn't see it that way.

How do they avoid it?

It has always amazed me that not a single celebrity has ever said that they have Fibromyalgia. One in every fifty americans suffer from Fibromyalgia... so how in the world did the celebrities avoid the statistics?

Maybe it's not really an illness. Maybe it is just a Vitamin D deficiency?? Do celebrities know something we don't?

I've read several postings where people have tried to find celebrities who suffer from FMS. Perhaps to have them speak out about it. I have also read postings where people have tried to get Oprah to have a show on it. Why it is being avoided?

I'm doing better... but I still have episodes. I had one today after Alyssa's appointment. I was not feeling well. I was very faint and I still had to drive the kids home. I didn't completely recover. It took me about ten minutes to get to a point where I felt like I could drive. I went back roads in case I needed to pull over suddenly. In hindsite, I shouldn't have driven. But when I'm out with the kids, what are my options? Often I don't recover until several hours... maybe even a day later. I've worked through it today... but I'm sure as soon as Kasey gets home, my body will give in. And who knows what price I will pay for not stopping when my body gave me the warnings. Only time will tell.

I just don't get it. I want to avoid this like celebrities seem to be able to do. Anyone have some inside information they can share?

To preoccupied to notice

I haven't posted in a while because I've been so preoccupied. I wish it was because I haven't had any symptoms, but sadly that's not true. I think the medications are helping. We have postponed me going up to 2 Wellbutrin a day because I've been dealing with a racing heart rate. I'm fine with just the one dose in the morning. It seems to be helping me function and get through the day.

I'm still not sleeping real well at night, but I'm waking a little easier. I think the sleep issue is more of an Alyssa issue than the fibromyalgia at this point. I'm hoping once we get her better that the sleep will improve as well.

We've also been a bit preoccupied with figuring out Robbie's schooling for next year. So much is going on, I just don't have time to think of myself. I think in this case, it's a good thing.

Pains

For the most part, this has been a good week. I've been taking it easy, slowly preparing for Alyssa's party - actually planning ahead. But it's the little things that I do that cause me pain. They aren't really anything I feel like mentioning to Kasey, but I do feel the need to record them.

I was shaking the water off the pasta for dinner tonight and I must have pulled something in my back (not sure how that's possible). The pain shot from my shoulder, down my left back side and it stopped around the center of my back. It's annoying. You would think something like this would have happened while I was moving the table, or when I was hanging streamers, to when I was doing any number of the things I did today - but shaking water off pasta? The pain was strong enough to stop me in my tracks. That doesn't happen often.

Then just a few minutes ago while sitting in bed in front of my computer, I got another one. This one was a pull type pain that was in my mid-back, left side. Pretty much right where the other pain stopped. What gives?

My real back pain (that's what I like to call my bulging disk since all the other ones don't seem to have a reason) is in my lower back. So, I'm fairly certain that these pains are just from the Fibromyalgia. I'm not complaining. I'm actually very thankful that I've had a semi-productive week. I just hope I don't crash during the weekend like I normally do.

Knock on wood

I've had two good days in a row. A good day is a day with little pain (just a few shooting pains and a mild overall ache) and very few other symptoms. Today, my only other symptom was a senstitive stomach. At least that's the only one that comes to mind. It's also been a good day because I have been able to get in and out of bed several times without it killing my back and without my legs feeling like they are going to give out on me.

I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and go to bed. Hopefully I can count on another good day tomorrow as I need to get some grocery shopping done and I need to renew my license.