Exhaustion

I sometimes wonder if others experience the same things I do. For example, I'm tired. I'm tired after not doing a lot. I did a little bit of cleaning and I made a lunch. A fraction of a normal person's daily routine. But I'm so tired and exhausted that I feel like I'm going to puke. I feel sick from exhaustion. Is that normal? Do others get this way as well?

We have some friends coming over tonight. And I'm looking forward to seeing them and spending some time conversing with adults (I get very little of that)... but it's hard to be excited about the idea when I feel the way I do. I'm sure it's a mixture of my lack of enthusiasm toward social occasions, the fibromyalgia and maybe a little bit of the weather (I'm not a big fan of snow and it tends to add to my mood when there is snow outside. Regardless of whether I'm in it.

So, I don't blog here often - and it's another downer of a post. I wish I had more good days to report... but these days, they are very rare. In fact, I can't think of having a good day in years. That's sad.

A new week

It's a new week - but I feel the same. In fact... I dare say, I feel worse. Things are really eating at me. I keep telling myself I need to get over it... but it's all so personal. I'm deeply sad. I also feel alone in dealing with everything. I guess it's because I am. Only I can understand what I'm going through. That becomes more and more apparent everyday.

End of the week

This has been a very hard week for me. Kasey has been working long hours, I am filled with sadness and I have a craft show to prepare for. Balancing everything with the demands of the kids is difficult to say the least.

This heavy sadness is taking it's toll on me. I'm unable to concentrate, I'm forgetting things and I'm unmotivated to do the things that need to get done. I feel as if what I do is inadequate - but I'm not sure how to fix it. I feel near tears every day.

Is the fibromyalgia or is it just me. I'm hoping it passes soon. As the week progresses, my pains are getting greater. Last night I had to stop drawing because I could barely hold the pencil. Am I doing this to myself?

I still have one more day until the weekend. Of course, it sounds like Kasey will be working on the weekend so I'm not sure how much of a break I'll be getting. I know I can do it though - I just need to keep telling myself it isn't going to kill me.

Is it me?

Today I have a heavy heart. Since I was diagnosed and even before, Fibromyalgia has affected my life ~ but I've tried not to let it affect my life in a negative way. Today I feel as if it has. Or maybe I'm using Fibromyalgia as a scapegoat and the problem really is me. Is this who I am?

I feel hopeless and I'm having trouble concentrating on much. Drawing seems to help - but holding a pen for too long starts causing pain in my hands. The distraction is so welcome though that I've been willing to work through the pain, or maybe it's work with the pain.

I have a show this weekend and I'm having trouble concentrating on the many things that need to get done. I could have a poor showing for a show that I've worked really hard for. I feel as if depression is setting in... I'm trying to keep my head above water. I just feel like I'm drowning.

What a downer post. Just logging both positive and negative.

I'm having a bad day

I don't think I really realized that it's been a bad day until I climbed into bed.

I've been tired all day trying sneak in naps here and there... it's been like this for the past few days. I'm also irritable with the kids. Really, I'm sick of repeating myself and I'm sick of them ignoring what I say... but it probably isn't as bad as I made it out to be.

But it isn't until I hit my bed and I realize how unmotivated I am to do anything. I don't want to work, I don't want to search the internet, I don't want to watch tv, and I don't want to crochet. Doesn't leave much... but sleep? Nope, don't want to do that either.

I'm sure this is due to the medications that I've started up again. I find it amazing how much medications can alter your mood. I don't like it. But it's only been three days... I need to give it a week before I start to see side effects lessen. Then, I can't forget to take it otherwise I get to start all over. All this for just a little relief... a little help. I wonder if it's worth it. I'm sure the kids wonder!

So, I sit in bed... a little depressed and hoping for a better day tomorrow. It'll be Friday and the weather is supposed to start clearing up a bit (while everyone in the US had scorching tempuratures, we've had rain - I love Seattle).

More of the same

I'm having a very difficult day today. Of course, it's more of the same. But for some reason, today, I'm extremely tired. I feel like I'm going to drop any minute. To top it off, I have a son who doesn't listen... and who thinks he's funny.

I've asked him numerous times to stop going through things in my room. So, in my exasperation, I ask him "what part of NO do you not understand?" He replies without hesitation - "the O?"

I keep getting a tingling numb feeling in fingers, hands, and arms. My back (mid back) is killing me. I've currently got a limited range of motion where I don't feel the pulling.

I guess today is just a bad day. I hope tomorrow (4th of July and Saturday - we are having a BBQ) will be much better. For now, I count the minutes until my husband gets home. Sometimes misery loves company.

Gripes

I have a lot of gripes today.

First of all, I woke up nauseous... and I had one of my better nights of sleep. I also got out of bed to weak and wobbly legs. That's a bit inconvenient when you have two small children. My husband had to stay home for half the day so he could drive my son into school. I figured legs that I could hardly stand up on, were not ready to be driving... let alone driving small kids.

And my jaw is killing me. I'm not sure what's going on. But it feels like someone is cranking it tighter and tighter. It hurts even when I'm not using it. Eating is quite painful. It just makes these past few days frustrating. I'm sure it's showing in my mood.

Those are my gripes, aside from my normal aches and pains. I will now proceed to my bed so I can wallow in my pain.

I spoke too soon

So, I went to eat lunch with the kids and I can't chew. When I chew, my jaw hurts like hell! I tried to endure the pain since my body doesn't functional well without a regular meal... and it was too much. I got about three bites of sandwich down and a couple of chips. Hope that's enough to hold me over for a few hours. I'll try again then.

Ouch!

2:45 update - since I'm recording a few of my symptoms today, I thought I'd add the latest. I have the shakes. My hands and arms shake when my elbows are bent. If I straighten my arm out, they don't shake... but I still have the jittery feeling in my shoulders. It's a bit annoying.

Hot Flashes

This morning, I've had hot flashes like crazy! What's going on??? Hot flashes are horrible. I keep checking the thermostat and it's at the normal 67 degrees. My daughter actually feels a bit cool to the touch, so it's obviously me.

Overall though, I think I'm improving slightly. I don't have the severe pains during the day that I was having for a while there. I still have my overall achiness - but I'm used to that now. I also am still very fatigued. I have to push myself just to get up and make the kids lunch. Laziness? I don't think so. I want to it... I am just so tired! I could probably sleep away most of the day.

Night time is still my worst. All the symptoms I was masking all day come pouring out as soon as I take it easy to sit in bed for a while. I guess I can't complain though... being able to make it longer in the day is okay with me. At least the kids are getting to do a little more now that I'm not having the severe pain I was having.

So... improvement... although very small.

Headaches are back

The last few weeks, I'm having more and more headaches/migraines. So now, along with jitters, I get nauseous, sensitive to light and sound and I get pounding pain in my head. It's good times. I'm not sure if it's the medications or just the slow increase of symptoms I've been experiencing lately (mainly in the New Year).

It's all getting a bit old. And I hate dealing with migraines. Medication often doesn't work... the only thing that seems to work is laying in the dark or sleeping. Neither of those is fun or something I can do when I'm alone with the kids. I am thankful I'm not working in an office anymore. But I thought my headaches were behind me. Up until several weeks ago, my headaches were few and far between. Now, they are back with a vengeance!

Today, it sucks to me.

Jitters

We have increased my medications to the recommended dose (at least the Welbutrin). And I have the jitters! I'm trying to give it at least a week, but it's a bit annoying... especially when I'm driving. It makes it really hard to concentrate. It puts me in a fog. I hate the fog. I find myself having to check things three and four times to be sure I really did it. Not very efficient!

I'm also having incredibly bad back pain. Most nights I end up in bed as soon as Kasey gets home. I'm sure some of it is the amount of sewing that I'm doing to prepare for the craft fair I'm doing on the 19th... but even when I'm just spending time with the kids, it hurts just as much.

My doctor recommended physical therapy again and maybe trying the TENS unit again. But my medical coverage isn't what it used to be. Hmmm... physical therapy or fill the cavity that's bugging me?

Medication

So this weekend, we started me on my medication again (Welbutrin & Ultram) with the hopes that it will stop my gradual decline. I hate taking medication... especially when I'm not seeing a significant change. This is why after awhile, I stop taking it. Well that, and the fact that I can't seem to remember to take it. I've heard forgetfulness is a symptom so it's really not my fault. Of course, everything seems to be a symptom.

Anyhow, I'm not feeling any significant changes. Today I was doing fine (read: normal - flu like aches, sporadic nausea and fatigue). We spent the day down south in Redmond having lunch and shopping. I made it just fine. When we got home, I sat down on the couch to watch the kids play and to relax a bit. That is where I stayed for several hours until Kasey came home.

As soon as I settled in, I got extremely drowsy (at times, unable to open my eyes), my legs began getting pains up and down them, and a headache started to form. It was probably around 4:00, so timing is normal. I feel like since I've been on the medications for four days, I shouldn't have had this severe of an episode. Not to say that this is as bad as it gets, because it obviously could get much worse... however, after having almost a week of help with the kids, allowing my body time to rest and the added medications, I don't feel like this should have happened.

So, now I sit alone in my room... in bed. I love my bed, unless I have to be in it. I want to get up and do something but I know my legs would give way. I'm still going to give the medication a fair amount of time, but it's looking like this combination is no longer working for me.

Not the normal mom

Today, I finally had the opportunity to spend some time in Robbie's classroom. A friend took Alyssa for a few hours so I could help the teacher out.

My day started very challenging. I have been feeling awful lately... part of it is allergies - or a mild sinus infection, part of it is my body pains, part of it is the lack of sleep I've been getting and part of it is the nausea that seems to plague me in the mornings (no, I'm not pregnant).

Despite my ailments, I made it into Robbie's classroom and realized that I live a very different life than so many others. While I struggled to get myself out of bed and the kids gathered to leave the house, other moms knew that today was St. Patties Day and they did fun and appropriate things for their children. It even took me about five kids wearing full green and two parents parading around in green gaudy necklaces before the light bulb went off. All I could do was be thankful that Robbie loves dinosaurs. He was wearing his Walking With Dinosaur shirt that had a green dinosaur on it. I felt like such a loser mom. The only consolation was that Robbie didn't care... he was just happy to have me in his classroom.

I made it through the classroom experience and managed to pick Lyssie up from the friend. I made a bad choice when I thought I could get an errand in before picking up Robbie. I had the pillowcases in my hand and ready to pay when a severe dizzy spell hit me. With Lyssie asleep in the stroller and the fact that we were at least a ten minute drive from home, I put everything down and headed for the car hoping the spell would pass. I sat in the car until I felt well enough to drive.

I had to come straight home and call my friend to pick up Robbie from school. It's really irritating to me that I can't be a normal mom. Instead, I sat home, on the couch, watching Lyssie build the train track while Robbie played his zoo game on the computer. I don't like that I have moments where I have to be a mom that doesn't participate. I'm a sideline mom on my worse days and I feel like my kids get the bad end of the deal.

Kasey's parents will be in town at the end of this week. I've decided to give the medications a try again while I have someone here to take the kids if the medication affect me adversely. I hate going back onto medications.

I just don't have time for this

I'd say the past week because that's what I remember, but it's probably been more like the last few months, I've had a hard time keeping it together. I've been very busy with work (World of Whimm) and the kids. I just don't have time for Fibromyalgia.

I know, it's not my choice. But I'm tired of not sleeping through the night. I wake up at least 6-8 times and every time I have trouble getting myself back to sleep. Every fold in the sheets, my clothes, the pillow irritate me. They either cause and uncomfortable pressure that seems to throb or they send pain through my body. It's very hard to block these things out when all you are doing is lying there watching your husband (and sometimes daughter) sleep.

Lately, I've had nausea on top of it. I'm sure it's stemming from my lack of sleep. I've been trying to catch quick naps during the day and I think they are helping me get through those evening hours, but I'm sure it's not helping me at night.

The good news is that the weather is clearing up (for now) and Robbie is starting to get a little more excited about being outside. I'm hoping a little sun and a little more activity will help with the sleep. Because I just don't have time for all this right now!

Boiling Point

The biggest sign to me that I'm not doing so well, is my anger. I've grown so accustomed to many of my symptoms and blocked them out that sometimes I'm not even aware of them until I either sit down or until I hear myself getting angry at the kids.

There is a definite difference between normal anger and Fibro-induced anger. First of all, I don't seem to have in myself to do repeated warnings. Once and that's it. I have a very short fuse. Second, I'm a bit explosive and my voice gets angry and loud. Third, the anger does not last very long.

I'm going to say luckily... but I'm not sure it a good thing... the kids listen to this voice. It makes Lyssie lower her head and look at the ground (she doesn't stop what she's doing... but she does make me feel bad). Robbie will finally stop what he's doing. Today he said he was just going to just sit in a little hole between the shelf and the tv. I asked him why and he said "because I don't want to do anything to get you mad".

It really goes to show the power of your voice and tone. I just need to learn to use it effectively... and my kids need to learn to listen!

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted. Not since I've had Fibromyaliga issues unfortunately... just since I've had enough energy to blog about it. I hate complaining and that's what this blog is. It's a journal of my symptoms... so a list of complaints.

I'd sum up what I've been through since my last blog (September!), but I honestly, can't even remember last week. I can, however, remember that I slept 2 hours a few nights back and last night I almost got 4 hours of sleep. I am able to fall asleep... then something (my daughter) wakes me up, and it's over. I just can't fall asleep. And this time, it's so bad, that I know I won't be falling asleep.

I've also been doing fairly well with my new business (www.worldofwhimm.etsy.com) and received a wholesale order. My first and possibly my last. I just don't know if I can physically do it. A wholesale order assumes that I can work consistently.

The good news is that the sleep is bothering me more than any other symptom I've currently been having. My back has locked up a few times... but I don't think that's the Fibromyalgia. I think I just have bad back.

ouwww!

Lissie has been saying ouch everytime we have changed her diaper this past week. She says "ouwww" and then points to her little lower belly area. I've poked her, proded her and moved her legs around to no worse reaction. I think this is a weird phase.

On the otherhand, I feel like saying the same thing today. Ouwwww! About half an hour ago, my lower back was pulling. It hurt with a throbbing pain. Now, it's still there, but it's been masked a bit by the crushing pain I now have on the top of my left foot. Considering have done nothing to either area, it seems random... until you remember it's me. Perfectly normal.

I am finding these latest pains a little more frequent and a bit more intense today over past days... which in turn, is making me very cranky. Luckily I don't have to worry about too much today, just posting a few items on Etsy and taking Robbie to soccer practice in the early evening. I'm hoping it doesn't rain. Although I am interested to know what they will do about the practice in the event it does rain. Afterall, they have these scheduled every Tuesday through October... and we do live in Washington. I'm sure Lyssie is hoping for some good rain to mix with the dirt so she can have a productive play at the playground.

Just as long as I don't have to chase her, I'll be fine with rain.

A bit of a funk

It's been a long time since I've posted. Partly because I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to complain (this is a good thing) and partly because I'm tired of complaining about how terrible I feel.

But today I woke up in a funk. I don't feel any better or worse than I normally feel, but I have a crazy grey cloud looming over me and it's making it difficult to accomplish anything. I feel a lack of creativity, a lack of imagination in entertaining the kids... I just feel a lack.

I'm hoping I can shake this or start fresh tomorrow. I hate these dark clouds!

I'm moving

On a friend's recommendation, I'm moving this blog. The new address is http://myfibrofog.wordpress.com/. I haven't decided whether I will be moving my main blog yet... I figure I'll try it with this one first since this one is a lot smaller and doesn't have the pictures the other one does.

Please visit me on the other site for updated blogs.

I am tired

I wonder if my exaustion goes in cycles. I am so physically tired that I feel like my body is going to go limp any minute, and it just might. It's done it before. This morning was supposed to be easier on me. Kasey took Robbie to work with him since they will be going to school together today. So, I just have Alyssa. Alyssa by herself, in theory, should be easier. But she isn't. She's demanding and when you are as tired as I am, it makes for a very cranky girl. I am trying. I took her outside and let her play in the yard for a bit... but the sun started giving me a headache and draining what little energy I had.

So, we went inside and tryed to play on the floor. However, when Alyssa is inside, she wants to be at the table. She can now climb up to her chair and sit in it all by her big self. This gets annoying as I can't sit at the table comfortably for any length of time... and she won't allow me to leave her alone at the table.

I feel like I haven't slept in days... but I'm fairly certain that I'm asleep for more hours than my husband. What am I doing that I'm not getting the restorative sleep? I don't want to have to take Ambien. But I'm tired. I wish there was another way.